In the last decade, a lot has changed in the world of love addiction. Not that love addiction itself has changed. It is pretty much the same insidious disorder it always has been. What has changed is how the world looks at it. Twenty years ago, our understanding of love addiction was still emerging out of our understanding of codependency. Therefore, love addiction and codependency seemed to be one in the same. However, today we understand that this is not true. Love addiction stands alone, and codependency is only one of several underlying personality disorders. To make it perfectly clear how one love addict differs from another, here is a list:

Obsessed Love Addicts (OLAs) cannot let go, even if their partners are:

Unavailable emotionally or sexually; afraid to commit; cannot communicate;unloving;distant; abusive; controlling and dictatorial; ego-centric; selfish; or addicted to something outside the relationship (hobbies, drugs, alcohol, sex, someone else, gambling, shopping etc.)

Codependent Love Addicts (CLAs) are the most widely recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they will not leave-or that someday they will reciprocate.

Relationship Addicts (RAs), unlike other love addicts, are no longer in love with their partners but they cannot let go. Usually, they are so unhappy that the relationship is usually affecting their health, spirit and emotional well being. Even if their partner batters them, and they are in danger, they cannot let go. They are afraid of being alone. They are afraid of change. They do not want to hurt or abandon their partners. This can be described as “I hate you don’t leave me.”

Narcissistic Love Addicts (NLAs) use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners. Unlike codependents, who accept a lot of discomfort, narcissists won’t put up with anything that interferes with their happiness. They are self-absorbed and their low self-esteem is masked by their grandiosity. Furthermore, rather than seeming to obsess about the relationship, NLAs appear aloof and unconcerned. They do not appear to be addicted at all. Rarely do you even know that NLAs are hooked until you try to leave them. Then they will no longer be aloof and uncaring. They will panic and use anything at their disposal to hold on to the relationship-including violence. Many professionals have rejected the idea that narcissists can be love addicts. This may be because they rarely come in for treatment. However, if you have ever seen how some narcissists react to perceived or real abandonment, you will see that they are indeed “hooked.”

Ambivalent Love Addicts (ALAs suffer) from avoidant personality disorder-or what SLAA calls emotional anorexia. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy. This combination is agonizing. ALAs come in different forms too. They are listed below.

There are a lot of ways that people can find their way into a 12 step facilitation/Minnesota Model, Primary Care addiction treatment centre.

Some addicted patients just know that whatever benefits they used to get from using alcohol and other drugs just don’t seem to work anymore and they have reached the end of that path. For others there may have been intervention or help from family, friends or a concerned employer, life may have got a little too hectic and they have accepted some help gratefully. Yet others may feel they have been “dragged kicking and screaming” into a facility, some times it may even seem like all of the above simultaneously.

Whether the addicted individual is a mother, father, brother, son or daughter, perhaps even an alcoholic colleague or addicted employee, however the individual has found themselves in an addiction treatment centre, the similarities informing their thinking and their attitudes are often remarkably similar. Often when addicted or alcoholic people are admitted to twelve step Minnesota Model treatment centre’s they struggle with powerful feelings of ambivalence and conflict around their addiction to alcohol and / or other drugs and whether they feel and think they need to find some kind of recovery. Even if the patient believes that they need to recover from active addiction, they’re often at a complete loss as to how and under what specific means they can recover!

Even addicted or alcoholic people that have taken a conscious step towards change struggle to make this transition without experiencing powerful feelings of denial and confusion.

There is no doubt that a residential, 12 step facilitation or Minnesota model, Primary Care treatment facility is the first choice option on the road to recovery. The addiction treatment facility is above all a safe environment and will provide a space for a controlled, supervised detox process prior to commencement of addiction rehab.

The start of the rehabilitation process for the alcoholic or addict can also herald the start of a new journey for family, friends and others close to them. This is a hopeful but challenging time and there are a few suggested Do’s and Don’ts recognised by most treatment centres.

In the better addiction treatment centre’s there will certainly be some kind of Family Programme available. Addiction, whether it be to drugs or alcohol, gambling, sex or food has for decades been recognised as a family illness. Therefore we strongly encourage and support families of our addicted patients in attending the family groups, lectures and counselling that will be available to them at one of our specialised addiction treatment centres. This Family Programme will be of enormous help in understanding the disease of addiction and of how to cope with its aftermath. Do get involved with an open mind.

Participation in these groups should also provide guidance and reassurance around creating healthy boundaries to begin defining the new relationships that will be created through recovery from alcoholism or addiction. Healthy boundaries are crucial for all parties involved including the addict or alcoholic. Hopefully through attendance at the addiction centre’s Family Programme you’ll learn how to adopt a stance in relation to the addicted person that can be most useful.

It may seem easier to revert to old, well established, patterns of pre-treatment days. With the help of Family Groups and healthy boundaries, friends, loved ones and employers can encourage the addict/alcoholic to fully participate in the recovery process and by doing so it is to be hoped the addict/alcoholic will derive the benefits from completing the full Primary Care Programme. Do support the continuation and completion of treatment stages.

Family, friends, loved ones and employers can also provide positive encouragement to the addict/alcoholic for the next step in their treatment journey. If the option for any form of secondary treatment is available and the clinical team deems it in the best interests of the addicted patient to continue their care at a recognised secondary care facility and the funds are available, the more support the better.

First let me explain what addiction is. Addiction is frequently being compelled to indulge in a behaviour that offers short-term relief, but long term damage in any area of your life (heath, relationships, finance and work to name just a few areas). The important word here is compelled.

Addiction is a difficult challenge to overcome. Not because the addictive behaviour is hard to break once the addict realises they have an addiction, but because addiction is shrouded in denial, preventing the addict from seeing their behaviour with clarity.

Denial is created by the addict in a bid to protect them from the loss they perceive they will endure if they give up the addictive behaviour or substance. Perceive is a very important word here because the addict actually does not gain anything from their addiction at all. Their addiction gradually and systematically destroys every area of the addicts life until all that is left is the addiction. As each area of the addicts life is slowly destroyed, the addict clings more and more to the addiction because the addiction is perceived to be a pleasure. The key to breaking any addiction is to break the cycle of faulty thinking that keeps the addict enmeshed in this cycle. So the good news is, addiction can be overcome a lot easier than we all think possible.

First let us explore addiction itself. All addiction has exactly the same roots regardless of the substance or behaviour that makes up the addiction. So addiction could be to substances such as alcohol, drugs or food, or it could be to behaviours such as gambling or shopping. All addictions are there to serve the same purpose, which is to change the way the addict feels. All addiction is masking unresolved pain.

This is how it works. The addict has a feeling. Now the feeling could be good or bad. A good feeling will lead the addict to celebrate. If they are addicted to food, they will celebrate by eating. An alcoholic will have a drink. A gambler will treat himself to a little flutter. If the addict has a bad feeling, they will indulge in the addictive behaviour to try and make themselves feel better. This is the paradox of addiction. One cure for all feelings! So, as the addictive behaviour continues it naturally gathers momentum (I will explain why in a moment) and becomes a bigger and bigger part of the addicts life. In extreme cases, if allowed to continue, it becomes the only thing in the addicts life.

Addictions naturally gather momentum for numerous reasons. The first reason is that the addict perceives that they gain some kind of reward from their addiction. This is never the case. If you enjoy something, you can take part in the activity and feel better for having done it afterwards. An addict usually feels worse following the addictive behaviour. A drinker will have a hangover, a shopper will feel guilt about the bills they now have to pay, an emotional eater will feel guilt about their latest binge etc. As discussed earlier, addicts indulge in their addictive behaviour to change their emotional state. Once the bad feelings surface after their latest indulgence, what is the first thing you think they will want to do? Yes! They will indulge once again in their addictive behaviour in order to get rid of their unwanted feelings. This is obviously a downward spiral.

The second reason why addictive behaviour gathers momentum is because it is used as a coping mechanism but in addition is used as a celebration (initially anyway. Once the addiction really takes a grip there is no longer the desire for celebration). Usually, if we are healthy and balanced, we have a number of ways to alter our emotional state. A few examples are, take a hot bath, meditate, read, relax and watch a movie, chat with friends etc etc. The addict stops looking for new ways to resolve challenges and ease stress. They use their addiction for immediate gratification. This gives the addict fewer and fewer coping mechanisms, as the addiction becomes a bigger and bigger part of their lives.

The third reason addiction gathers momentum is if the addiction is to a substance rather than a behaviour. If the substance is physically addictive, this causes further complications in the cycle of addiction as the body starts to crave the substance and will react (withdrawal symptoms) when the substance in question leaves the body.

My addiction used to control me. It overwhelmed the person inside of me, and I became a stranger to my family, and to myself. All I cared about was having another drink. All I thought about was where and when I was going to get my next drink. My mind was totally and completely absorbed within my addiction, and I didn’t even know it. I was proud, haughty and selfish. I was an alcoholic.

Do you have an addiction? Some of us overeat, over drink, smoke, look at porn, gamble, do drugs, or become abusive. We can even be addicted to our feelings. When we let our negative thoughts control us to do wrong, we are under the power of our thoughts and feelings. Addiction controls several aspects of our character that keep us from coming to our full potential. I know these things first hand; I have been there and done that.

Mentally the addiction affects the way we think and feel, and how we live our life. The addiction will literally stunt the growth process, and the addict will remain childish, selfish and insensitive to the needs of others. Psychologically the addict remains in denial, and will do just about anything to justify bad behavior to others while under the control of their addiction. Addicts are basically selfish people who only care about themselves even though they are real good at manipulating others into believing otherwise.

Emotionally the addiction makes the addict become overly defensive to anyone who tries to take away what he or she so desires. Addicts have a difficult time suppressing their negative emotions and are immature and childish. If they become too dependent on the addiction, they will justify reasons of why they think they are better people when abusing their substance of choice. Their low self-esteem keeps them very sensitive to how others feel about them. They are prone to finding faults in others to get any attention off of them.

Spiritually the addict is at a loss. He is desensitized to the spiritual self within him. The addiction keeps the addict from becoming the whole and complete person that God intended him to be. True potential is stunted. The addict does and says things that he normally wouldn’t if he were living his life without the neediness of addiction. The addict is missing out on so much in his life that he “wants and needs” too much, making him unable to give of himself.

In the days of my disease, I reveled in my negative feelings, denying my weakness and sins. My feelings literally fed my constant unhappiness. If I accepted the fact that God was my source for REAL happiness, I would have to admit my failings, something that a spiritually bankrupt person is unable to do. In essence, the addict desperately needs to have trust enough in God first to quit their addiction and then begin to grow out from the selfish aspect of their rebellious personality.

Alcohol and drug addiction affects the whole family. Family members are affected in different ways, especially the person who loves the addict and enables the addiction. This person is called the enabler because they sweep things under the rug, so to speak, pretending there isn’t a problem. Unfortunately, the enabler usually gets the brunt of the abuse from the addict because the addict expects so much from them. If the enabler doesn’t come through with the addict’s neediness and constant requests for things, the enabler had better watch out! The enabler is just as sick mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as the abuser. They both need help.

The enabler is the rescuer of the addicted person. As long as the problem is continually swept under the carpet by the enabler, the addiction will continue to progress further because no one believes there is a problem! Denying the problem exists runs rampant in homes where addiction is fed. The longer the addict continues to use, the worse it will be for everyone involved.

We are all addicts. Yes, you are. So am I. We are addicted in many ways to many things.

It is easy to identify the obvious physical addictions; drugs, alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, sugar, etc. In addition to being the easiest to identify, these physical addictions are also the easiest to kick. If you think that kicking the heroin habit is tough, try kicking your addiction to one of your core beliefs. You’ll scream. You’ll fight. You’ll rant and rave. You’ll suffer delirium tremors.

In addition to any physical addictions you may admit to having, you also have many emotional, mental and spiritual addictions that may not be so obvious.

Physical addictions are often obvious, but is not always so easy to identify the emotional addictions you may have. Nevertheless, we all have them. You can see them if you look closely at your relationships with other people, at the recurring cycles of circumstances that show up in your life, at the things you gather around yourself to provide comfort and pleasure.

It is even harder to identify the mental addictions you may have. Parents worry about pushers hanging around school yards, hoping to entice the innocent into some drug addiction. Yet, within the classrooms, well-meaning teachers are busy impressing young minds with ideas and ways of thinking about life. Parents do it too. They infect their children with their ways of thinking, with their attitudes, passing on their own addictions, their own behavioral programming.

Most people who have been programmed do not recognize their programming. Not one person who has been successfully brainwashed will readily admit to being brainwashed. And yet, we have all been, from birth, trained/programmed/brainwashed to think a certain way, to have certain perspectives, to hold a certain reality picture. And we have become addicted to those habitual thought processes, those perspectives, that take on reality. They provide us with pleasure, comfort and security just as much as any needle full of dope does.

It is harder still to identify the spiritual addictions you may have. Oh sure, it can be fairly easy to point the finger at those who are involved in cults; but, we are all addicted to belief systems. Each of us has become dependent on holding certain beliefs in order to have the courage to face the great unknown and the various other fears that arise from that. Resorting to a belief sold by a church in order to face your fears is not much different from resorting to a shot of courage made in a distillery and sold in a saloon.

It is easy to be in denial about these emotional, mental and spiritual addictions. Being in denial about them does not mean they do not exist. In fact, the denial that one’s habits are, in fact, an addiction is one of the primary ways to identify an addiction. Everyone who works in addiction therapy has heard a junkie say, “I am not really addicted. I can quit anytime.” To which the therapist will reply, “Yeah, sure, go ahead, prove it. Quit right now.”

It is not just a heroin habit that is hard to kick; all habits are hard to quit and some are a lot harder than heroin. Whenever I encounter someone who insists that they are not addicted to some belief or some way of thinking, I always say, ”

Before I go any further into this, let me say that not all addictions are necessarily bad. It may serve you to be addicted to a mid afternoon cup of coffee. That shot of caffeine boosts your mental acuity and improves your productivity. It may serve you to be addicted to the endorphin high you get from your morning run. It provides the motivation to stay physically healthy. It may serve you to be addicted to your belief that you shall be redeemed in the afterlife. It may serve you to be addicted to the belief that you deserve success.

But just because an addiction may serve you or just because the benefits outweigh the negatives does not mean that you should be in denial about your addiction. So long as you are in denial, so long shall you be in bondage. In order to be free, you must first admit to your addictions.